Bribery & Blackmail

What kind of person uses "just think about what you''ll get in my will" or "I'll kill myself and it will be your fault" to try and make you do something? 
There are some sick b*****ds out there and my response to both of those emotional blackmails is "Shame on you" and "Go on then knock yourself out".

If you have to use blackmail and bribery to get somebody to do something isn't your brain screaming at you that something is dreadfully wrong?  What is WRONG with YOU? Get your act together go hide under a bush until you come to your senses if necessary.

Only an idiot would do something in the hope that they will get something in the 'Will' i can just imagine your face when the solicitor reads the 'Will' out and you hear him say to so and so I leave you my fancy toilet roll holder!  What a mug!!!  What if you die first? you'll never know what you might have inherited. 

if you really want me to do something so badly that you have to resort to emotional blackmail and empty promises - just offer to pay me to do the deed, if the price is right and the deed is above board then I will seriously consider it.

Blackmail of any kind doesn't wash with me if you're going to kill yourself it's your problem and It won't affect me at all and if you use the "Will" bribe i will be laughing too hard at the prospect of a lace toilet roll holder or used bedpan kind of bequest to answer in which case you can assume it is a "No thank you very much and I will be on my way now".

A bit of Competition

It was that time again on Saturday, yes the Annual Family &  Friends BBQ with fun and games.  This year it was the 3 legged stool competition. We got into groups with a ton of old newspapers and goodness knows how many rolls of selotape and we had to make a sturdy 3 legged stool.  When the stools were finished they were lined up and 2 lightweight lasses (a cousin and a niece) had the job of sitting on the stools to see which was the strongest and didn't collapse, thus deciding on a winner. 

What a lot of fun it was everybody joined in and indeed each group was focussed on winning the trophy.  No two stools looked alike they were all shapes and sizes and it must have taken about 45 minutes to make them.  The fact that everybody no matter how old or infirm could take part made it more enjoyable but being on the winning team was a big fat bonus and next year we are going to have "The Lilo Challenge" I might have to lose a bit of weight for that one ha ha ha

Some of the contenders with their entries (me between the two fellas)

Dealing with $&%# Cats cra**ing in the garden

I have spent a bloody fortune on plants that have died within weeks of being planted killed by putrid cat s**t.  I bought some roses bushes in the hope that the thorns would scratch the blighters and act as a deterrent but oh NO!! The roses died a gruesome cat s**t death.  I bought a little picket fence and banged some  panel pins in before strategically placing them in the garden, great job you think but after 2 days the pesky cats managed to squeeze one in where there was a too large space.  

Enough is enough my blood is getting to boiling point by now and I am also suffering from lack of flowers in the garden when suddenly, it hit me, a cunning plan took place involving chicken run wire stuff.  We went to the garden centre and bought a roll of the wire stuff and proceeded to cut it up and bending it into an arc shape covered the front garden with it, it is brilliant, we cut out areas for roses and other plants and got a string of bumble bee solar lights which are threaded through the wire and attached to the picket fence we erected and so far we have had a whole week free from cat s**t and in the mornings it smells lovely and fresh around our front door with the added bonus of evenings with the garden being lit up by the bumble bees -shame I didn't think of it sooner.

"What the @$^(&)!

Having a bit of bother at work, I was getting frustrated and P****d off, I was ready to take the next day off and not as a sicky either.  Eventually, i recalled the "conflict management" training we had all undertaken so I spent about an hour rephrasing and practicing what I would say to the colleagues who had caused the feelings of conflict.

when the opportunity arose to speak quietly with each individual concerned I was happy when the first one aplogised and said they had not realised what was going on.  

The second one made a few excuses for their behaviour and I explained the procedures before getting an apology and feeling no more conflict went home happily.

However, yesterday I went into work feeling optimistic and ended up feeling even more conflicted as one of the culprits did exactly the same thing again, I was so angry I assumed what had happened was because the Manager made changes and didn't inform me so I decided to speak up.

Finally, having rehearsed what I was going to say to my Manager, I spoke when the opportunity arose and again I was gobsmacked to find that she was not aware of the situation she had not made any changes to the way we work the colleague had taken it upon himself to do as he pleased,  I was not at all impressed.   

Today at work I was very pleased to see that the Manager is taking it upon herself to ensure that the proper procedures take place and I am just hoping that the future is bright and  'sun kissed orange' and there will be no more conflict issues....

He should have kept Quiet

Today Billy treated us to breakfast at our favourite café, I was reading the menu up on the wall, for want of something better to whilst Billy looked on Google for flights to Jamaica. 

Anyway, I read aloud in shock from the menu 2 toast, 2 hash browns, beans, 4 rashes of bacon, 4 sausages………… I didn’t read the rest.

4 sausages, does anyone actually eat 4 sausages? That’s just greedy.  Mr K the proprietor wiggled his finger at a table in the corner, just as one of the guys at said table turned to look at me and said “I’m not greedy, I’m just hungry.  Well, Mr K was doubled up clutching his belly quietly laughing, unseen,  behind the counter Billy and I had to contain ourselves (with great difficulty) I managed to apologise to the guy but it was hard not to laugh out loud. Mr K kept looking at me and laughing from his hiding place.  Billy and I managed to have a half decent conversation, finish our breakfast and leave the establishment without further ado.

When we got outside we split our sides laughing “I’m not greedy, I’m hungry”.  I told Billy, good grief, if that’s what he eats when he is hungry I would hate to see him eating when he’s starving and he should have kept his mouth shut, I wasn't talking to, or about him so the saying is very true, 'If you listen in to other people's conversations you won't hear anything good about yourself!'

Mistaken Identity

we were on the plane at Heathrow, homeward bound, Manchester here we come.  The aisle seat was taken up at the last minute by a man who caused Billy to sit up all excited and whisper to me "That's Phil Neal, used to play for Liverpool, I know it is. it's him".

As I was getting pen and paper out of my bag so that he could get an autograph, I heard Billy saying "You're Phil Neal". and I heard the man saying "No, I never have been and I never will be!" He then closed his eyes and appeared to be sleeping all through the flight.

Billy told me the guy was lying.

Back home Billy was telling Josh about the incident and he Googled Phil Neal as he was talking, so he could show Josh who it was.  Well we screamed laughing when it appeared that Billy had been sitting beside Phil THOMPSON after all and the poor man had not been lying about his identity hahaha ha ha

"Billy, you Plonker!"

Taking the P** at Duty Free

Mumbai Airport, fist of all we sat for a coffee/tea and inviting a fellow traveller to join us at out table we were pleasantly surprised to discover he lives less than ten miles from us in Manchester UK ha ha ha. 

We went to duty free after our refreshments to buy a bottle of Malibu, very good price too (did you know they don't sell cigarettes at Mumbai Airport)??  Anyway. bottle of Malibu in hand we approached the till, boarding card, passport and money handed over.  Not so quick my friends....

The two guys serving us declined our Rupees,  "We only accept Rupees from people with an Indian passport",  we were informed.   I responded by declining to buy the bottle and giving them the trouble of undoing the transaction and we walked away.

Seconds later an Airport member of staff approached and asked did we need a smoking room and was everything OK?

"Not really", I told him and explained the problem with the Rupees.  We were informed that these two jokers are supposed to take Rupees off everybody and are pulling are trick to get Dollars and GB pounds (exchange rate scam).  Then the airport gentleman stood by the cash desk right in front of the two jerks and helped u to approach people asking if they had an Indian passport and when we did find a chap who did have an Indian passport and was willing to take our Rupees and buy the Malibu, the fun began.

The kindly chap went to the cash desk and asked for the bottle of Malibu which just happened to still be sitting there.  He handed over our money and was passing his passport over and surprise, surprise, the jerk at the till called me over and asked for my passport, let the Indian passport holder go, and served me the Malibu in exchange for Rupees AND then had the bloody temerity to ask me to buy another one since he had my passport details already in his till.   Aaaargh!  I don't thinks so mate - Up Yours!!!