A vicious circle

I started to wake up with a feeling of dread every morning, I didn't want to get up and go to work.  I felt I didn't give a damn if I got the sack, but I knew that I did give a damn but didn't care or did I?  I couldn't be bothered.  

I thought of my husband getting up every day at daft o'clock to go to work and I used that thought to make an effort and go about my business.  I was managing to keep the tears at bay, didn't know why I was going to cry and felt like shit most of the time.  I managed to keep my head above water and plod along.

Today, it is my son's birthday, a happy day, I wasn't going to be seeing him but we are on social media and keep in touch and we spent Friday together, had lunch and a laugh.

Today, Sunday, I woke up with a big black shadow pressing in my gut. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go swimming as planned, with hubby.  I just wanted to sleep and sleep.  I told hubby how I felt and he was great, he gave me a cuddle and went to make a cup of tea.  I turned over to go back to sleep and then I thought of him downstairs being so good and I made myself get up and go and join him.  I drank my tea and we went to get ready for swimming.  I still had this big black shadow bearing down on me but I made an effort to get in the car and go to the leisure centre, where I smiled back at people and said hello and I thought to myself, if only they knew how miserable and sad and heavy at heart I am feeling, but I just carried on going through the motions.

In the swimming pool we swam two lengths and I had to stop, the big black shadow became a massive panic attack.  I was terrified, I haven't had a panic attack for many years.  I started to cry quietly and told hubby. Again he was great and comforted me, he asked me if I wanted to go home  I did some yoga breathing and recalled one time when I was in this same dark place, my Doctor gave me a sick note for 2 weeks, he said "go and do things that make you happy and come back and see me".  I told this to hubby, and seeing as how I was in the swimming pool and swimming makes me happy, I chose to stay and finish the session.  

After the session I was still below par but functioning a bit better, we went shopping to look for a winter coat for me and the panic attack went away but I still have this big black shadow resting inside me.  There is a massive waiting list for my therapy so I am going to have to rely on my inner strength and my husband, to get me through each day.  God bless him and thank you my love xx